Almost Shameless

America and Men Make Shitty Boyfriends, and Shitty Boyfriends are Unnecessary and Replaceable

What I’m attempting to do here is mix metaphors, tackle international relations, shame men, campaign for and against women, and pepper in some entertaining prose. It’s guaranteed to be a train wreck, but all my friends are at work, and I don’t want to sit around thinking about my own impending return to employment, so I’ve got to do something.

My friend John once posited that if all women disappeared from the planet, society would deteriorate. In theory, men would persist to kill and rape one another until there was just one murderous fucker left who would probably masturbate and play Madden until his soul expired. In the reverse scenario where all the men vanish, and women are all that remain, it would be a rough couple of months, but then there’d be some serious renovating akin to Extreme Makeover: Civilization Edition. Sure, mothers would mourn their sons, and pickle jars would go unopened, but aside from that, it would be blue skies, cleaner water, emancipation from fossil fuels, war resolutions, enriched educations, and best of all, no more Coyote Uglys or Michael Bay movies (R.I.P. Bad Boys).

You may feel this to be a gross exaggeration and an unflattering stereotype. After all, men are more than just gas guzzling, jar-opening, boob and robot fanatics. Aren’t we? I mean what about being providers, fathers, protectors? Baby makers for fuck sake! Women need men to make babies don’t they, or at the very least, they fancy a good dicking (crude I admit, but hang in there with me). 200 years ago that may have been true, but men, like America, are not doing any good for anyone lately.

America is like that deadbeat boyfriend, or ex-husband who you still have to see for parental and legal motivations. In the beginning, America’s impressive. He’s youthful, he’s got a beautiful physique, he knows how to party, he hooks you up with flashy gifts, and he keeps that asshole Soviet Union from laying its hands on you. After a while though, he stops returning your calls, and only stops by for a crude piece of ass. He’s asking to borrow money, he’s smoking in your ozone even after he guilted you into quitting, and the next thing you know, you find yourself clearing out your studio so his shitty band can practice. And if you even mention breaking up, he FUCKING HITS you! Repeatedly! With a tire iron! Or he sleeps with your neighboring country to traumatize you and make you feel weak and alone. All hope is lost. You’re stuck with this asshole because what other choice do you have. You mope into that South American coffee house because you were up until 4:00am arguing with Usa about the smell of petroleum and pussy on his breath. Your tired tear-swollen eyes look up and meet the beautiful kind eyes of an Argentina barista. Before you know it, you’re swooning. She cares for you and inspires you, and DOESN’T FUCKING HIT OR CHEAT ON YOU.

I know it’s close-minded and maybe ignorant to suggest that some lesbians are attracted to women in part because their relationships with men were wholly toxic and abusive. I respect and fully believe that individuals are born with a sexual identity. I also believe that a person wants to be loved and cared for by another person, and it’s not unreasonable that if a certain group of people, say an entire gender, are so bad at loving and respecting, that that person will look beyond the anatomy and seek out someone who is kind, and sexy, and devoted to loving that person perfectly and selflessly.

So what of the providers, the protectors, the fathers? The impregnating, the deep dicking? The imports, the International Monetary Fund? As for the providers, that’s been a myth perpetrated by men since the birth of civilization. Men know we don’t have the upper hand. That’s why we’re so committed to the idea that we do things better. If we pay ourselves $1.00 and we pay women .75, then it looks like we have an extra .25 to offer. Truth be told, it’s all an illusion. Women can run a household, a company, a country. What are we worried they might do? That they may get drunk, neglectful; that they might embezzle, blackmail; cheat, murder; introduce narcotics into a region in order to control that region; drop a nuclear bomb? Can you imagine what a terrible world that would be?

That brings us to protectors. Men and America only protect from other men and America. This is not my observation, and I’m not sure where I heard it, but America is the only country to use the Atomic bomb on human beings. In the traditional roles, men protect women from (wait for it) other men. If we’re out of the picture, that problem generally ceases to be a problem with the exception of a few burly broads, and maybe Kim Jong Il (which seems redundant).

No fathers would be a real loss. However, if you talk to a man about his father, and the father did a halfway descent job, then the man will likely say his father was either overbearing or absent. If a boy grows into a man who can think for himself, he will undoubtably criticize his father’s parenting.* It’s usually carbon copies who faithfully praise their fathers. It’s a thankless job when done right, and a travesty when done wrong. Women can raise great men. I can point to many single mothers and same-sex partners who have raised wonderful sons and daughters. My point is, a father does not necessarily guarantee a better upbringing.

This leaves us with the final two concerns: procreation and sexual satisfaction. First, men need women to make babies. Women do not need men. Artificial insemination is one successful stem-cell experiment away from all together eliminating our role as seed barers. Conversely, the advancement of pregnant men is non-existent as far as I know. We can get boners and grow back hair, but we’re scientific leaps and bounds away from that hair and boner being attached to developing fingers and toes.

Lastly, is the controversial argument that a woman’s sexual desires sometimes demand a phallic element. Men think we can offer something in that department. We are deceiving ourselves if we think that a cock has to be attached to a shitty haircut and drive an Audi to deliver any satisfaction. Part of our delusion is rooted in a need to feel necessary, part of it is macho-bullshit, and part of it is assuming women’s sexual alternatives are as lackluster as ours. That is simply not the case. Women’s sexual utilities far surpass the vaginal rubber counterparts. A Fleshlight can’t hold a candle to a 9” Wet Wabbit. A woman can go out for an elegant dinner, and have the best sex of her life for under $75. As an added bonus, she doesn’t have to wake up to her vibrator taking a morning dump and badgering her for not DVRing Entourage. We’re just not making the cut fellas. Women are sexier, from head to toe. A penis isn’t that great to look at as is. Attaching 200lbs of chicken-wing devouring smelly skin to it is not sweetening the deal. Think about it this way: the contents of a woman’s locker room is a fantasy for every heterosexual man with a libido, but NO ONE fantasizes about the men’s locker room. Man, woman, gay, straight- I don’t care how dick hungry you might be- that place is a fucking nightmare!

So in conclusion, I recognize I’ve reduced men and women and relationships to a ridiculous, and almost comedic (at least that’s the hope) simplification. If it offends you, please know I mean nothing by it, except that I think men are the worst, and women are fools for still being willing participants. Please, men, get your acts together. America, you too. As for women, and the rest of the world, if America/men don’t smarten up, move on, because it’s getting hard to watch.

*I ask that you forgive all my generalities. There are thousands, perhaps millions of exceptions. I can think of many smart independent men and women who only speak fondly of their fathers. And I know husbands and wives who stand by their vows and love one another unconditionally and infinitely. I’m only writing to the general big picture that I see. And also, if you want to read about how great dads are, go to the Hallmark store.

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